Smiling In the Sunshine: Old Phil Stine

The Country Corner

Old Phil Stine Buys Some Beer

     Old Phil Stine was paying Clark the Clerk for his six pack of Red Stripe beer and his Swisher Sweet cigarillos at the counter of the Country Corner Gas Stop when he caught some incongruous movement out of the the corner of his eye. Phil looked out the double glass doors and saw some grungy kook getting on the saddle of his unlocked stripped down vintage Mongoose Alta bicycle.

     “Sonofabitch!” Phil shouted, grabbing his beer and busting through the doors as the perpetrator pedaled off fast just like the Road Runner in the old cartoons. Clark the Clerk was right behind Phil.

     “That's that fucking crackhead that's been hanging around here lately!” yelled Clark. I'll call the cops!” he said, rushing back inside.

     “Better call an ambulance,” muttered Phil, pulling one of the hefty bottles from the six pack. He wound up fast and let rip with an amazing beer bottle fastball that left one old man at the gas pumps somewhat breathless. The bottle whizzed unerringly with no arc and no wasted time right into the back of the head of the fleeing bike thief. He went down fast, the bike becoming tangled with his legs and arms in a kind of strange sculpture of failure. Phil strode over to the tangle and lifted the dazed crook by the lapels of his filthy shirt, lifting him to eye level. He did it with no apparent effort, giving the guy a swift shake to disentangle his limbs from the bicycle. The crackhead urinated in his pants. Phil tossed the helpless loser into some nearby palmettos and reached down to pick up his bicycle and the beer bottle missile.

     “Here,” he said, flipping the beer to the thief. “You might want to wait awhile before you open that.” He turned around and walked his bike back to where he had left his remaining beers. Clark the Clerk came out of the store. He was still excited.

     “What the hell?” he said. “What the hell? The cops are on the way!”

     “Well, then, you can tell them all about it when they get here”, said Phil, peddling off.

Smiling In the Sunshine; Elegant Misogynism

Elegant Misogynism

How my boat got her name

     We pulled onto the beach, heading north up to where my boat was parked about a mile away. As we turned, Cromwell glanced up at the flag on top of the big Lifeguard Tower.

     “Out of the southeast,” he said, referring to the wind direction.

     “Any idea what the tide is doing?” I asked.

     “Coming in or going out, last I checked.” He wet a finger and stuck it out the open sliding door of the truck. “Going out, definitely.” All this silly banter began in the days when we first started sailing these beach cats a few years earlier. Not knowing what we were doing, continually making rigging mistakes and tipping the boat over in the ocean, we developed a program of “fake it 'till you make it,'” creating our own sailing terms and bits of wise sea knowledge which we would share with the tourist girls who inevitably came up to us while we prepared the boat to go out. There were times when we would come crashing in through the bathers on the beach who would dodge this way or that trying desperately to not be run over by this giant brightly colored and apparently out of control beach toy.

     “Avast, there Captain!” I would shout as we narrowly missed one bobbing swimmer after another. “Bear off a lee! Come down hard and away! Arghh!” On the days when the onshore break was particularly brutal and the offshore drinking was particularly strong, it was not unusual for the helmsman to fall off the boat altogether. Then, as we pulled the boat back onto the beach, the girls would come around.

     “That was beautiful!” they might say, “but why did one of you jump into the water like that?” Usually it was Cromwell who would try to sneak one last slug of rum before coming in, miss his timing as the boat crested a wave and “jump in” by falling over backwards off the boat.

     “Well, Miss, you see, on days like this when the wind is agrarian out of the south and we have a riptudial tidal flow, certain maneuvers take place that call for adjustable ballast.”

     You could say just about anything. And we did. And the foolishness didn't end; we would continue it into the evening, sitting at one saloon or another with the usual local crowd. It became our inside joke, setting us a little apart from the others. It ultimately became an inescapable habit, this goof-speak, and somehow created a kind of elitist cache that was worth a few drinks now and then and certainly garnered us a great deal of leeway with the Beach Patrol and the bartenders of Coronado Avenue. All due to this perception that we were in on something that the others were not. I once overheard a drunk at the bar say, “Those guys are such elegant speakers.” Indeed.

     There was my boat just ahead, sitting pertly on the sand, waiting. She knew we were coming. Her name is the Bitch, because she is one. I did not name her in a moment of misogynistic despair, although I have certainly suffered from plenty such moments. She was named by one of my beach bum girl friends, a veteran of many years and many beach towns along the Atlantic Coast and the Bahamas who knew far more about sailing a beach cat than I did. She showed me the ropes, literally, and helping me get my new vessel rigged and launched. On the less-than -maiden voyage we broke out through an unusually rough surf. Summer (the girl's name) was busy as hell pulling on this line and that, steering the boat with one hand and adjusting the sail with the other, all the while cussing like the sailor she was, while I helped by hanging on for dear life and wondering if I was going to get laid. We finally cleared the surf line almost as an afterthought and then shot out towards the open ocean. The boat flew across the rolling sea.

     “Damn,” Summer said, “What a handful! This boat is a bitch!” And the name stuck.

Smiling In the Sunshine: Rigging and Ritual

Rigging and Ritual

Instruction for the beach sailor

     We pulled up next to the Bitch, parking above the tideline. We tossed off the remainder of the Bloody Marys and began the rigging ritual. We would not speak again until after the launch. Cromwell climbed out of the side door of the van as I went into the back. I opened the double rear doors and then lifted the big mainsail down from the rack, handing it out to the waiting Cromwell. He placed it lengthwise on the boat, taking care that the goose neck fitting on the boom was forward, ready to hook into the mast. I then handed him a mesh bag of child-size life preservers in one hand and the loaded cooler with the other. These he likewise stashed on the trampoline, quickly snapping their respective retaining rings into place. 

     

     Everything has to be well secured on a beach cat. 

      I handed out the six-to-one main sheet control and the rolled up jib sail. That was everything. I turned and looked around the cabin of the old step van. I really loved that truck. I had had a lot of good times back there. I stuck the keys in their secret stash and climbed out of the back to join Cromwell. 

      We both got into position at the front of the boat, facing the ocean, holding onto the dolphin striker from behind. Saying nothing, I lifted. If it were Cromwell's boat, he would have lifted first. But today it was my boat and it was my turn to give the cues. We lifted the boat, pulling hard, almost straining, to break her loose from a week's worth of drifting sand. She quickly broke free, and we started to pull, dragging her across the beach like a pair of two-legged draft animals. She came along readily enough. We pulled her to the water's edge. So far less than five minutes had elapsed since our arrival. While all our efforts looked sleepily casual, we were actually moving as quickly as possible. It was partly due to pride of practice and it was partly due to our honest eagerness to get out on the water. But also a lot of it was the never-ending theater of being a local sun bum in a beach town. The tourists were always watching, waiting to be entertained. We always tried to oblige. “Never waste an audience,” Cromwell liked to say.

     At the water's edge we spun the boat around 180 degrees, stern to the sea. We lifted the bow high, helped by the natural slope of the beach. This allowed any accumulated water to drain from the hulls. Leaving a braced Cromwell to hold her up, I went around to the back and checked for drainage. Nothing. The Bitch is a pretty dry little boat. As I bent down to screw in the drain plugs Cromwell lowered the boat. As soon as I was through replacing the plugs, he spun the front of the boat around so that she was bow to the wind.  I joined him at the front of the boat, each of us standing with the mast between us. I hooked the twisted shackle on the halyard to the headboard at the top of the mainsail. Cromwell carefully slid the bolt rope into the luff groove on the trailing edge of the mast. When I saw that he was ready, I began to pull steadily on the halyard which ran through a pulley at the top of the mast, some thirty two feet overhead. The bright green mainsail rose smoothly into the morning sunlight. Cromwell had a hand on each side of the sail as it went up, guiding it into the luff groove. In just a few easy heaves the sail was up. I pulled the main halyard sideways, with just a certain twist and the twisted halyard ring clicked into the hook at the masthead. 

 That twist of the wrist was a learned thing. 

      I secured the main halyard on a cleat mounted near the base of the mast. I then slotted the down haul car into the luff groove, threaded the end of the down haul line through a pulley on the mast and gave a strong heave to tension the main. This too was secured to a cleat and the main was ready. 

      While I was securing the main, Cromwell had taken the jib sail and hooked the jib halyard to the top of the sail, connected the zippered luff pocket to the fore stay and started pulling up the jib. I finished my work with the mainsail, turned just in time to grab the clew of the jib, which was flapping eagerly in the freshening morning breeze. The Bitch was waking up, and when the Bitch was awake she wanted to sail! So did we. Our actions were a little more crisp now. We were getting closer. The ritual was almost complete. The vessel we had to drag to the water only moments before was now quivering in our hands, a thing alive, with a mind of her own and ready to go! 

      We snapped on the jib sheets and the main sheet with its six-in-one pulley system, then clipped the system into place on the traveler spanning the stern of the trampoline. That was it. Everything was ready.

     A small group of tourists were gathered to watch this apparent magic act and their yearnings were palpable. They wanted to be us! I looked at Cromwell, and he looked at me and winked. It was the first time we had acknowledged each others presence since we got out of the truck. We kept straight faces, but we were smiling inside. I nodded significantly toward the Northeast, into the ocean. Cromwell went forward to the port bow and pulled the Bitch around a little from her position pointing into the wind and aimed her into the direction I had indicated. He pulled the boat forward into the waves as I pulled on the main sheet, taking up slack and letting the mainsail taste a little of the wind. One more strong heave and the Bitch was floating. I pushed on the hull from behind. When the water was knee deep I jumped onto the trampoline, pulling in on the main until it grabbed a wing full of wind. Cromwell was pulling on the port bow when the sail caught and suddenly he was the one being pulled! He swung onto the hull like an Apache onto a running pony, slid down into the middle of the tramp and grabbed the jib sheet, pulling it in until it too was taut and full of wind. We're off!

      The first set of breakers crashed into the bow of the boat. These little three foot waves are candy and silk stockings to the Bitch. She rose up through the foam and wave, thrusting her bows clear and dripping into the sunlight, gave her characteristic little shudder of joy and that was it. We were at sea. The ritual was complete. Well, it was almost complete.

     “You got any beer on this tub?” asked Cromwell.

     “I think so,” I said. “There may be a warm beer stuck in there somewhere. Take a look.” He reached into the ice chest. He pulled out two frosty, dripping Red Stripes.

     “Here you go, Cap,” he said. Now the ritual was complete.

Smiling In the Sunshine: Interlude With A Conquistador

Interlude With A Conquistador

Trouble below the horizon

     Meanwhile, two hundred miles to the south, don Juan Ponce deLeon sits on board his big trimaran El Condor Pasa, idly scratching the back of the leggy blonde lying naked beside him. Ponce is thinking about money ( how to get the most with the least possible effort) and he is thinking about a girl, the one who got away, the stunning redhead with the unfrocked priest of a father , the girl who haunts his memory, the girl who got away.

     Go Ponce! Run ye lad! Thou of the noble heart and dark soul, ye of the piratical practice and many-connected Carribbean yearnings. Run Ponce! Uncle Sam seeks ye still, thou cannot steal from him a much-coveted high tech sailing vessel clothed in ancient Mayan symbols and stylings...oh lad, it was so easy to perform one small miracle for thy government and reap the many-numbered reward! But the worm shall turn, thou crafty rascal, the worm shall turn; and much shall be thy suffering for thy many transgressions.

     And so: South of Ruby Beach sits Ponce de Leon, caressing the back of the beautiful blonde girl stolen from the Cuban pirates who chose to challenge his luck and skill at high seas combat. Foolish communistas! When the powerful United States government pays their vassal NASA to build a sailboat for the purpose of spying around the Caribbean, trust not your criminal heritage. Is not Ponce de Leon the greatest conquistador of all the ages? Once mighty rulers of the open ocean; the Grand Armada ruled the old time waterways all along the Spanish Main. Now? A laser cannon on board a simple sailboat? Aha! Ponce the mighty, Ponce the crafty, Oh noble Ponce, savior of political hostages, raider of communist strong holds, who will end your reign? Ponce the assassin, taking care of the world’s darkest needs, moving silently and without mercy through the hateful underworld of planetary government; fulfilling the wishes of those dark Overlords who are in true control of the finances and machinations of poor old Mother Earth!

     And meanwhile, two hundred miles to the south of sweet, simple Ruby Beach, sits Don Juan Ponce de Leon, atomic-powered, laser-armed and on board an incredible seventy-foot trimaran styled after the ancient vessels of the Mayans, stroking the back of a beautiful golden blonde, brooding over money and revenge. In Ruby Beach lies the map he seeks. The answer to the riddle that haunts him, the map to the treasure of all treasures. How many, old knight? How many lives lost over the centuries? Ponce knows, yet cares not. Ponce is on a mission. To Ruby Beach.

Smiling In the Sunshine: A Curious Parrallel

A Curious Parallel

Professor Blix Teaches Geography and History

     It was a day of clearest azure blanketed in gentle warmth as the trusty sun began to work its magic; the time of year was early spring and the time of day approached the noon hour. We were leaping along on board the Bitch in a freshening breeze that propelled us along readily enough, pushing us ever onward in an easterly direction on a course just below latitude 30 in the vast Atlantic Ocean. Latitude 30! Consider this: Were we to continue forward on this line around the globe, what wonders might we witness? Our first encounter would be the northern tip of the renowned and feared Bermuda triangle, source of so many unexplained disappearances over the centuries. What adventure and terror might our little vessel encounter in these foreboding waters? Best that she should lift her skirts and skip quickly across the Sargasso Sea and make way across this mighty ocean for the safety of the Canary Islands, where we must magically prepare our ship for flight, for it is here that the noble Atlantic ends and the lands of Africa begin. Africa! Sailing our flying boat across the Dark Continent we would soon encounter the bazaars and caravans of Old Marekesh,  Morroco, headquarters of intrigue and mysteries centuries old; then quickly spanning Algeria and Libya we would find ourselves sailing over Egypt past Cairo and Giza and the Great Pyramid, guarded by its loyal watchdog the Sphinx, for these ancient wonders do indeed lie along this curious parallel. But we have a globe to span! We mere mortals have a limited lifetime; no time to linger and ponder the Riddle! Now look below and a bit north, quickly! Bethlehem! Jeruselem! Why, the whole story of the Savior plays out along this trail! But there is no time, no time; we must fly rapidly across Northern Arabia and its endless deserts. Our next way point is in Iraq, for here on this line lies the site of Ur of the Chaldees, once the mightiest civilization on Earth. Have you heard of Ur? It is home of the Great Ziggurat, the Mesopotamian Temple of the Moon. Many learned scholars think that it is hereabouts that The Great Gardner planted his Garden, laying in a crop at the conjoining of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, a crop that would one day yield the strangest of fruits. Each of these mysteries would fill volumes; and indeed they have. But we simple sailors of the sky are not here today to ponder or unravel; but merely to observe. Tourist-like, we are here to marvel and acknowledge that there does indeed seem to be a continuity of ancient wonder along this course around the planet.

     “Ready for another beer?” asked Cromwell, breaking into my reverie.

     “Sure. Feel like driving for awhile?” I took the fresh can from him and fitted it into my day-glo orange holder with the dolphin yin-yang symbol.

     “Always ready to drive,” he said. I handed him the tiller extension and we slid around on the tramp to change positions. I like steering the boat well enough, but it was more relaxing to let Cromwell do the driving while I sat forward, in the sun, and just enjoyed the ride. We were pretty far from shore. We could just see the top of the Deleon Condo Tower, the tallest on the beach at twenty stories. I lay back and took a sip of beer.

     

     “Do you know about Latitude 30?” I asked.

     “Isn't that where we are?”

     “Yeah. But I mean do you know about all the old cities and and so on? For example do you know that the 30^th parallel runs through the Himalayas?”

     “No way.”

     “Yeah way. India, Nepal, Tibet and China all have the 30^th running through them. Mostly the Himalyan Mountain Range.”

     “Why do you know this?” Cromwell asked.

     “I just re-read Lost Horizon last night and looked on the internet about the Shangri-la legend. It had a lot of info about possible locations. Most of them were around the 30^th latitude. So I dusted off my trusty globe and traced my finger around. We here in Ruby Beach are in a planetary line with some places with a pretty impressive history.”

     “You are full of just the damndest information. Look, a pod of dolphins over starboard.” I turned to look. A pod of five or six Tursiops were arcing along, not twenty feet from the boat. They usually come to visit when we are out here. And I knew that Cromwell was trying to stave off a lecture.

     “By the way,” he said, “One of those personal storage places called the shop yesterday and said they had a big box of unclaimed property sitting there they want to get rid of. Some kind of old pottery. I'm going over to take a look tomorrow morning. Want to come along?” Cromwell is an artist. He operates a pottery shop on Coronado Ave.

     “What time?” I said. The dolphins were gone.

Smiling In the Sunshine: Monday

Monday

Vampire Reality Show

     Monday morning in Ruby Beach starts with a crash. A crash and a clang and the roar of a diesel motor and the screeching of angry seagulls as the huge dump truck empties the dumpster behind the Crooked Angel Saloon, lifting it high into the air and shaking it like some ravenous diesel monster, emptying the putrid contents into its gaping maw and all the while roaring and grinding and insisting that I wake up. I rolled onto my back and pulled the pillow off my face, trying to remember the dream I was having just before the truck pulled into the parking lot. Something about vampires. Oh yes, Mona had been taken captive by vampires on the college campus back in Indiana where we both went to school . And the vampires were trying to drag her across campus to the vampire dormitory for their own dark reasons. I meanwhile was dashing frantically across campus with a large knife, slashing and hacking at vampires and slaying ten or fifteen of them before catching up with the group that had Mona. As I dove into their midst swinging my knife, which had somehow become a machete, she was screaming at me.

     “Don't worry, baby, I'm here!” I yelled, turning around fast and hacking my machete into the tallest vampire's neck. Blood was flying everywhere and Mona was screaming.

     “Stop, you asshole! Stop! They're not vampires, they're my friends!” In the dream, I dropped the machete. I turned and saw bodies all around, and my hands were covered in blood. I got that really sick feeling in my gut, that old familiar sensation of horror and impending doom as I heard the whine of sirens in the distance. But then, mercifully, the whine of the sirens faded into something else: the high pitch of the monster gears of the approaching dump truck, my Monday morning warning that a new day was dawning and as hard as the days were, the nights could, at times, be worse.

      I swung my legs over the side of the bed and rubbed my temples. Not too bad. I got up and went for the shower, holding my arms on each side of the bathroom door to brace myself. The house that Molly was letting me crash in was really just a beat up sixty year old surfer shack that would have been condemned were the building inspector ever to get a good look at it, but the Town Planner was a sometime drinking buddy and the chairman of the Historic Preservation Society. Over plenty of beers and shots on my tab, I had talked him into granting me a special “preservation and remodeling” permit which bought the old place another year before being either expensively rehabilitated or turned into additional parking for the Crooked Angel. Molly had contacted me about the demolishing idea about a month after Mona's realtor (her attorney's brother) had hammered a “For Sale” sign into the front yard of our waterfront home on the Indian River. I had been living in one fleabag motel after another on U.S. One and thought it would be a great idea to come home to beach side and start pulling myself back together before I needed an expensive rehab myself. Molly was far less than enthusiastic about the idea but as usual, her heart of gold and my line of bull got the best of her and I took my trunk of clothes and my other trunk of books out of the step van and put them in the shack. I had a new home.

     But the place was old, sagging and funky. The shower was an antique ball and claw bathtub with the curtain on an oval hoop. The water pressure was not bad, though. I put my head under the hot stream and let the dream fog gradually clear as the steam rose around me. It was another day in Ruby Beach. I was pulling on a pair of jeans when there was a knock on the door. That would be Rusty. Rusty is the only guy on my crew with a driver's license, so he comes by every workday morning and takes the step van to pick up the rest of the guys.

     “It's open,” I said. He walked in carrying his bicycle. He doesn't own a car and rides ten miles everyday to pick up the truck. He is pretty fast on that bike. He didn't say anything, just stuck the bike in it's usual corner by the front door and took the truck keys off their hook. He looked at me.

    

     “There's money for ice and gas in the stash box,” I said.

     “Any leftover beer?”

     “If there is, leave it alone. You guys get that roof dried in today and you can have it.”

     “If we get that roof dried in today there better be a whole lot of leftover beer. ”

     “Just get out of here. I'll be down later.”

     “Yes, your majesty.” He went out and a moment later I heard the step van's engine roar to life.

     I went to the closet and pulled out one of my “Dixon Construction” polo shirts and pulled it on. It would take Rusty thirty minutes to round up the crew and get to the job site, then another thirty minutes to get things moving. I had time to get over to the Lighthouse for some coffee and toast before heading down the beach to the job.

Smiling In the Sunshine: Monday Morning Phil

Monday Morning Phil

Ruby Tuesday

     Phil Stine sat on the sprawling front porch of his old single-wide trailer in the swamp just east of town. It was just after sunrise, Phil's favorite time of day. The coffee was fragrant, the birds were singing their asses off and the rustling and happy grunting far off in the bush indicated that the two or three razorbacks he had been feeding had discovered the morning's breakfast mix of corn, molasses and leftovers. A quiet whining from the far corner of the porch told him that his yellow lab Tuesday had heard the rustlings also, but a glance from Phil let her know that he knew about it and she sighed and put her head back on her paws and went back to listening to the birdsong and thinking dog thoughts.

     “Those hogs are very happy with their breakfast, aren't they, Tuesday? Little do they know. But then, they are better off that way, aren't they? That corn would taste a lot less sweet if they knew why I leave it there. But I think they would still eat it, all the same.” Tuesday stood, stretched and walked across the porch to where her master sat at the picnic table with his laptop open in front of him. She looked at the computer screen for a moment, then up at Phil.

     “Yes, puppy, just polishing off Chapter Ten. I know I'm moving slow this morning, but it is, after all, Monday. And you know what we always say about Mondays.” She wagged her tail once to show that she did indeed understand, then stepped off the porch nonetheless and headed up the faint dirt trail towards the rustlings in the bush. She stopped at the big palmetto just on the edge of the clearing, turned and lay down again. This time she sighed loudly enough to make sure Phil would hear. “Ok, Ok, let me put this away, Jesus Christ, nothing worse than a pushy dog...” He closed the laptop and stuck it inside the screen door to the trailer. He reached down and grabbed a pair of dirty old running shoes and sat down to put them on. He already had on a pair of running shorts and a thrift shop t-shirt, about the only outfit anyone had ever seen him wear on his rare and exciting excursions onto Coronado Ave. As always, the act of lacing up his shoes had an electrifying effect. He was instantly more awake and now, ready to go, Monday be damned. He trotted over to the dog, who was on her feet, tail wagging rapidly, a big happy dog smile on her face.

     “Let's go!” Phil said, and he and Tuesday dashed off into the swamp.